Joey’s Crappy Day

Here are a few humorous observations that I have made about my life in the dorm.

Typical Dorm Inhabitants

Okay, so those of you who have lived in a dorm know that dorm residents are rarely typical. Here is my list of people you are likely to meet in the dorm.

• The Northerner — This one only applies outside the Northeast United States for obvious reasons. The Northerner is that guy who does everything just a little bit different. He is invariably from somewhere in Massachusetts with an accent to match. The Northerner can usually be spotted by his use of slippers and a house coat.
• The Cowboy — This is the guy who is always wearing a cowboy shirt, tight cowboy jeans, cowboy boots, and of course the cowboy hat. He is usually very slim from a steady diet of beef jerky and water from a canteen he keeps in his saddlebags. The Cowboy can usually be spotted with a thick chaw of tobacco in his lower lip area.
• The Hick — Not to be confused with the Cowboy, the Hick is somewhat less immaculate. He usually has a stench of Snickers bars about him. His skin looks as if it has a covering of grim at all times, even immediately after a shower. The Hick can usually be spotted smoking Marlboro Reds, or better yet, Winstons.
• The Workers — These guys usually come in pairs and usually have at least three jobs in addition to school. You seen them most often in the stairwells or late at night fumbling with their keys outside their bedroom door. You never see them in any classes or early in the morning.
• Obvious Druggies — These are the stoners down in the corner room at the end of the hall. They never go to class, all they do is hang out and talk with the hundreds of people who come by and “visit” each day. The RA is invariably unaware of this pair’s nefarious habits. They can be identified by their Shaggy like ability to wear the same clothes everyday.
• The Outgoing Geek — This is the guy that has no friends, but participates in every dorm activity as if it will get him some. He has a high pitched, nasal voice which pisses everyone off. He wears clothing that was out of style even in the seventies. He also wears those tinted Art Bell glasses. The Outgoing Geek is usually the guy who ends up preparing your taxes after school.
• The Mid-Semester Replacement — This is the guy who moves in halfway through the semester because someone’s roommate committed suicide. He is clean cut and well organized. He also has that look on his face like he much preferred his previous place of residence.
• Pajama Boy — This is the guy who is nearly always in his pajamas. Noon, midnight, dusk, always in his pajamas. He is always jovial and talkative. He watches a lot of television and showers at night. His jaunts to class are usually infrequent.
• Frat Boys — These guys usually come in pairs as well. They are known for their loud conversations with people just outside you doorway. They also spend a lot of time in the hall on their cordless phones. The remainder of their time they spend stumbling up the stairs. Frat boys always dress for success.
• The Girlfriend — (and her Boyfriend) This is the girl who has a room of her own, but can’t stand to be separated from her beloved for more than ten minutes at a time. So she lives with him. While you never get more than a few glimpses of her, she in invariably fine as hell. She posts her Boyfriend at the bathroom door as a guard when she needs to shower.
• The Boyfriend’s Roommate — This is the guy who lives with the Boyfriend and Girlfriend. He is quiet, studies a lot, and never makes a fuss. He is an early riser and usually spends most of his time in the library.
• The Foreigner — He is usually of some sort of Asian descent. He speaks little English and never speaks to anyone who isn’t of his race. He studies frequently and wears a jacket at all times. Foreigners always room with cowboys.

Bathroom Characters

Community bathrooms provide such a potential for hilarity. And they’re convenient too.

• The Stranger — He is the guy who you see consistently in the bathroom, yet he doesn’t seem to live in your dorm. He is usually preening in front of the mirror. He always is dressed well and seems to be on his way out for a night on the town.
• The Cleaner — This is usually one of the Frat boys. You occasionally see him in the bathroom, but never for the usual business. He is always cleaning something in the sink. His subjects of cleaning can range from pots and pans to shoes. On no occasion will you see the Cleaner do anything but clean while in the bathroom.
• The Talker — He always feels it necessary to talk. In the shower, on the toilet, at the urinal, anywhere, the talker will talk. He doesn’t even need an audience. The Talker is usually also Pajama Boy.
• The Five Minute Guy — This is the guy who takes five minutes per bathroom activity. If he’s taking a shower, it takes five minutes. If he’s crapping, it takes five minutes. If he’s pissing, it takes five minutes. Nothing takes less or more than five minutes. The Five Minute Guy is usually a Cowboy.
• The Other Five Minute Guy — Not to be confused with the regular Five Minute Guy, the Other Five Minute Guy never spends less or more than five minutes in the bathroom, no matter the number of tasks. If he has to wash his hands, it takes five minutes. If he has to shit, shower, shave, and write his senior thesis, it takes five minutes.
• The Ten Minute Toothbrusher — Exactly what it says. This guy takes at least ten minutes to brush his teeth, if not more. Why? Nobody knows. (Note for ladies: He invariably partakes of this ritual in nothing but his boxer shorts. So now you know when to break into the boy’s bathroom.)
• The Hair Clipper — This is the guy who spends at least two hours a week carefully grooming himself by clipping his hair. His obvious objective is to make every hair on his body the exact same length.
• The Face Looker — This guy spends at least fifteen minutes up close in the mirror every day. I don’t quite know what he’s looking for, but he does so with diligence and persistence. Only a fire drill can break him away from his post.
• The Guy from Down the Hall — Despite the fact that his room is right across from a bathroom, this guy feels the need to go all the way to the other end of the hall and use the bathroom down there. He is known for sitting on the toilet for at least an hour every day. He is possibly a pervert.
• The Naked Guy — He just lets is all hang out. The Naked Guy is usually slightly overweight and tremendously well endowed. He likes to “air dry” and talk to you when you are at the urinal beside him.
• The 3:00 a.m. Showerer — Usually a scrawny freshman, the 3:00 a.m. Showerer gets up in the middle of the night just to take a shower. Evidently he has a small package and is embarrassed about it. Spends most of his time hiding from the Naked Guy.
• The Girlfriend — That’s right, the Girlfriend is back with her boyfriend on guard. She usually takes a shower right before the 3:00 a.m. Showerer. The Boyfriend has to sit on the bench and wait for her. He usually looks uncomfortable.